Challenges for Mature Moms

There’s no question we face increased challenges as we age. Having just hit the big 6-0, I can certainly speak to physical challenges in particular. But there can also be difficulties in our relationships.

I have had some challenges lately with people in my life that make decisions I do not understand, or with which I do not agree. Ever been in this situation? I’m sure you have.

From my husband’s eating habits (see my post on Healthy Dinners for 2) to life choices my daughter is making right now, it can be really hard to accept other people’s behaviors when you completely disagree or think you have a better way. I think this is especially true if you’re a parent and are used to having a pretty big say in your kids’ lives. You want to feel that you’ve taught them the ‘right’ values, so they move through their lives smoothly and easily. But what happens when they start making weird choices that could ultimately really throw their lives off track?

What to do? Seriously. If you’re a person who cares about other people, you may utlimately find yourself in this situation, because you don’t want your loved ones to be unhealthy, get sick, or otherwise hurt themselves and set their lives on a bad trajectory. You also do not want to damage your relationship with them by voicing strong opinions and coming across as judgmental.

I will say, as a disclaimer, that although I’ve taken many a psychology class in college, I am far from being one. I’m just an average older mom sharing some of my own experiences. And in this case, I believe there are a lot of us who understand this topic.

Tips for Feeling Better About YOU

These are some ways I, as a woman who was raised by a highly opinionated mother, try to deal with the inner struggles of not having control over others (without becoming my mother). They are healthy methods that I find to be helpful, allowing me to recognize my feelings as being valid, while allowing other adults to make their own life choices. If you can get into the habit of practicing these, and I’m hopeful that you will, I believe you will feel more freedom and control over your own decisions and path.

1. Journaling. I’ve written about this practice and how it’s helped me immensely (see my post on this here). I am certain that doing this every morning got me through the couple of years my daughter was literally ghosting me. It rips you up inside if this happens to you, and you must preserve your own mental health.

When I journal, I bring to mind anything, and am brutally honest with how I express it. If you’re upset with others’ choices, it is totally fine to be angry, disappointed and downright furious. The journal is a safe place to write those feelings that has no ramifications at all. Write as much as you want, whenever you need. My morning practice is something I do the same time each morning, and I look forward to starting my day with it. It’s like I have a blank canvas that is open to all of the day’s possibilities.

2. Meditation. I’ve also written about this in my post about Ways to Feel Better Alone, and feeling better as an empty nester (see When Kids Head Back to College). You can have anxiety about the welfare of your kids or others, even if you are on the same page with their choices. But if not, meditation is so helpful. The mantra I do goes like this: “May I be happy, May I be safe, May I be healthy, May I be at peace.”

Then, spreading that out to my girls and husband, “May YOU be happy…etc.”

This works, and I’ll tell you why. I wish myself health, safety and happiness and that feels good. But when I wish my loved ones those same gifts, it feel even better. Not only am I wishing that their lives are peaceful and happy, I am also expressing gratitude that they ARE at this moment, experiencing health, safety and peace.

This ties in with gratitude, below.

3. Gratitude.

“Gratitude can transform any situation. It alters your vibration, moving you from negative energy to positive. It’s the quickest, easiest, most powerful way to affect change in your life”

-Oprah Winfrey

No matter what particular decisions my family members are making (that I disagree with), there are priorities in this life. Those are, as mentioned in my meditation mantra, that my family is healthy, safe and happy. I often think how terrible I would feel if my husband got in a car accident, or one of my daughters was sick. There are people facing horrible things every day, and we are SO lucky that we are ok. My daughter’s choices are making HER happy and she is responsible for her happiness, not me.

Be grateful for what you have, what is going well for you and your loved ones, and mean it sincerely. Say out aloud. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in God, another deity, or none at all. I believe in a higher power (I call it “the Universe”) that hears your mantras/hopes for the future, and your gratitude for what is right in the world NOW.

It certainly doesn’t hurt anything!

4. Talk to Others. I hope that you are able to have a least one close friend or family member to whom you can confide. I don’t have a million friends, but the ones I have I trust implicitly. If my issue is my husband’s eating habits, I need a confidant with whom I can honestly share feelings.

I’d warn that I wouldn’t make it a regular thing necessarily, because then that friend can start thinking negatively toward your husband. But this is a last resort for me, that I’m glad to have as a resource in my back pocket. And I am more than happy to return the favor, to listen and give whatever advice I can when my friend needs it too.

5. Self Care. You can start to see a theme here, that these practices focus on YOU. It is so important that the time you have is spent loving yourself. Everything listed above is all part of self care, since these actions help get negative feelings out of your head and give you less anxiety.

There are lots of other activities that you enjoy and relax you, so if you’re feeling down, make time for these. Things like bubble baths, exercise (and yoga), reading a great book, taking a scenic car ride, making a special coffee or delicious dinner, or having a wonderful spa day (like with my daughters below).

6. Distraction. I plan to write a full post soon about the many hobbies older moms/empty nesters can start or pick up from other times in their lives. Things like playing an instrument or learning a language. Re-decorating a room, organizing older papers and photos using scrapbooks…these are a few ideas. The point is to find something new to learn that keeps you focused on you and sparks joy in learning (or re-learning) it.

I recently took up the piano again. I took eight years of lessons as a child and never fully enjoyed it, because my parents made me do it. But I realized that I developed an incredible skill from learning that instrument, as well as being in school chorus for years. I can pick up any song that I hear and literally learn it on the piano in a fairly short time.

I’m finding it to be really fun!

7. ‘Let Them’ Book.

This book by Mel Robbins honestly helped me enormously. I talked about self-help books that have been very helpful in my life (see my post for this list). Another book of hers, The Five Second Rule, made it to that list because it’s a good one for help with motivation and taking action.

But her new book really addresses exactly what I’m talking about here. The fact that you cannot control the actions of other adults, and it’s a waste of your time and energy to try. In fact, it can even sabotage your relationships if you do.

The exercise in the book is to say, LET THEM first.

• LET THEM eat what they want
• LET THEM make poor choices
• LET THEM give me the silent treatment

They will do it anyway, and nothing you can do or say changes that. So, give them the power to control their own lives, and you focus on controlling yours.

The second part of the exercise, is to say LET ME.

• LET ME model healthy eating habits
• LET ME behave maturely and calmly
• LET ME take care of myself the best I can

If you struggle with control of others, either now or into the future, I hope you can take some of these tips to control your own self instead of others.

Express your feelings in journaling, send out loving kindness to those whose paths you question, be grateful that you are all ok, talk to a friend, and/or read that Mel Robbins book! Good luck on your path to peace and harmony!