How to make it work! 

A homage to my husband for Valentine’s Day and his birthday, I thought this was a great topic for those of us in relationships with significant others with very different personalities! 

I’ve been with my husband for ten years, and we’ve been married for three. Getting married in our fifties came with some challenges, since we are both independent people who have our homes, families and habits that have been long-established, and we are proud of them! There are MANY differences between us, one of the main ones being that I was previously married and am the mother of three daughters (which anyone who reads this blog knows), whereas my husband was a life-long bachelor who spent a good part of his life living (by himself) in NYC, LA, London, Boston, Chicago- just to name a few. I settled in northeastern PA in a comfortable, quiet and safe town to raise my children. He comes from a large family of seven siblings, and I’m the youngest (by eight years) of three.

Because we have lived such different lives, we have drastically different personalities. He is big and boisterous, life of the party kind of guy. I’m reserved, generally quiet and calm. Over the years, with about a million work ice-breakers, I’ve become pretty familiar with things like the Myers Briggs inventory, which highlights people’s tendencies to be introverted (me) or extroverted (him). 

Let me start by saying that I obviously LOVE many things about his personality. He has such an easy time talking to anyone, and is never awkward in big groups, whereas I am, since I despise small talk. He is such a kind person, and his intention is for people, especially me, to feel comfortable. 

BUT, on a daily basis, you’ll run into THINGS. Given our experience, here are some ways we’ve made it work.

Dealing with Extroverts

Let him rant. Something that is human nature, I feel, is to try and ‘fix’ things for your partner, or anyone you love. Introverts and extroverts alike do this, but I think this is more my nature than his. He gets (overly?) upset at times over things happening in life, and at first I tended to try and calm him down, thinking that was ‘what was best’. We got into an argument when I did that one time, and he said he didn’t need that from me. He needed me to listen. So something I have learned to ask him, is ‘what do you need from me right now?” This is a wonderful strategy to make sure you’re on the same page, and you aren’t wasting your breath on something that isn’t helping the issue.

Let him let out energy. What is now something we joke about (since it happens like every day), is that when my husband goes a while without talking to me, he’s got A LOT to say that’s been pent up. When he would come to my house after being away for a few days, he was like a crazy man he was talking so much. Since that isn’t my style at ALL, it was definitely odd to me, and I got annoyed and tried to bring his energy down to my level. It’s funny, because he considers sleeping at night to be a long time without speaking to me, so before I’ve even had one cup of coffee, I hear detailed descriptions of the dreams he had, the plans for the day, and usually a bunch of questions for me. I listen to a point, get my coffee, then hear the rest 😉

Talk through hurt feelings. Part of the reason he is an extrovert, is that he is in tune with people’s feelings- he wants everyone to be happy ALL the time. He is highly emotionally intelligent, but that means he is also incredibly sensitive. I’ve made my share of comments that have been construed as mean-hearted, and that has set him into a tailspin. Because whatever I said wouldn’t have affected me at all, I cannot understand why he interprets it that way. I literally cannot tell if I’ve said something hurtful. So for awhile, I had to catch myself. Every time I thought there could be an inkling of mean-ness in what I said, I questioned him. “Did that come across mean, because it was NOT intended that way at all”. Sometimes the answer was yes, then more often became no. This was great for the relationship, because it helped me learn more about what was and wasn’t hurtful to him, and also showed him that I cared enough to find out, so as not to hurt him going forward (when possible).

Communicate (as much as you can). I went on a trip with my husband after only knowing him like three months (sounds a little crazy now), and we were in our very small hotel room one morning. I got up to go to the bathroom, and he’s like “where are you going?” REALLY? There was only one other room in the place.

I’m not sure if this is specific to him or all extroverts, but there’s a need to have all the plans, all the information, all the time. I honestly still have not gotten completely used to that, but I do know things like when we’re eating, what were eating, is very important. So I’m in the habit now of setting the stage when we’re together. Like, “I’m thinking we’ll have tacos tomorrow night, Thai this day, and go to the Mexican place after the gym on Wednesday”. I also have a planner, and when he’s agreed to the plans, those dinners and other activities go on there. I’m pretty used to organizing life this way, having raised children for many years, but he honestly is not that used to the structure. We both have to learn to marry our lives, and over-sharing information seems to work best for him.

Dealing with Introverts

Pick and choose what’s a priority. When I first started dating my husband, he wanted me to attend every family get-together, and I believe I mentioned he has seven siblings. So it’s always someone’s birthday, graduation, christening, wedding, what have you. It was very important to him (and it still is) for me to ‘integrate’ into the family. I understood that, but given my introversion, these events were pretty overwhelming to me. After going back and forth on this several times, he finally said, ‘listen, you don’t need to come to EVERY event, I get it. But there are some that are more important to me than others, and I’d like you to attend those with me, ok? Yep. Perfect.

Give some Space. I talk above about my husband’s need to blast me with things first thing in the morning, and how I listen ‘for a bit’. He does need to understand that I can handle all the talking, but in shorter spurts. When we’re together for awhile and I’ve been caught up, he will sometimes go out for a while, kill some time eating lunch or watching his shows, and give me a few hours to myself to decompress. 

Be Okay with Silence. At the beginning of our relationship, my husband was so un-used to someone being silent, that he mistook my silence with being angry or annoyed with him. Not so. I do a lot of meditation, and there are times I am literally just clearing my brain and thinking about NOTHING. Seriously. I also think introverts need some time to process things that are said. I’m a pretty good listener, but I don’t always have an answer immediately. Since his brain is always moving, he just doesn’t understand this. There are also times, especially when we haven’t seen each other in a bit, that I, as an introvert, just need connection more that being overloaded with info. Sometimes when my husband comes in and starts his talking, I say, ‘let’s just please go and lay down for a few minutes’. I just need for him to hold me for a bit, and he is good with giving me that connection.

For Both of You!

Balance activities. He gets bored pretty easily. So when I want to sit outside and read, have drinks by the fire, or things that that- he starts looking around for what to DO. Because he has always done whatever he wants whenever he wants, he is used to just getting up and going at any time. What he loves- movies (and the whole exepriene- popcorn), eating out, concerts and any live music, traveling, amusement parks, casinos, visiting friends,. So I need to be mindful of weekends where we sit around the house or do housework and errands. We always have to fit something HE thinks is fun in there. I generally have a good time too, but getting me out of my comfort zone can be a challenge for both of us. At home I have a hot tub, steam room, and beautiful patio, so being at home is fun to me. I’m good with a glass of wine and good book.

The same goes for when we travel. Is my idea of fun Disney World with screaming kids or a cruise with big crowds? Nope. I’m a ‘lie by the pool with a nice cocktail’ type of person. I honestly don’t care about landmarks that you ‘must see’ when you’re somewhere (um Paris), but would much rather get an authentic feel for the culture by sitting in a cafe and having some ethnic cuisine. He has done an amazing job in recent years of learning this about me, and balancing our trips to include a little of what we both like.

We also discuss itineraries ad nauseam ahead of time to make sure we’re on the same page. He might say, ‘I know you aren’t a hug fan of crowds on the cruise, but I’m thinking of getting a cabin with a balcony so you can sit out and enjoy the ocean’. One of my favorite trips to Florida included visiting friends, lying by a pool with drinks, taking a boat ride to a beach, seeing a play, bicycling along the shore, and eating some amazing seafood and listening to live music. There are part of that itinerary (the friends were his and the play was his idea) that wouldn’t necessarily have been on my list, but many things WERE, so everything was okay with both of us.

COMMUNICATE. It’s way harder for me to talk about things in general, but just like the hurt feelings, above, you really need to talk about feelings as they come up. I also suggest covering certain important topics early in the relationship. We talked about our ‘love languages’, and also our values. Not surprisingly, some of his values were things like friends, fun and freedom. Mine were things like trust and authenticity. But we found those we intersected on some too, like respect, honesty and independence. I feel that having our core values in alignment is truly the key to our happiness.

Despite the many ways we’re different on the outside, we are so much alike underneath. Compromise on the small stuff and it works!